Archive | February 2015

Anti Valentine’s Day: Three Issues Fought About in Marital and Premarital Couples

Turn on the radio and there’s a good you will hear a song about a couple who can’t along.  Taylor’s Swift is Never Ever Getting Back together, and George Strait’s ex’s live in Texas.  You will hard pressed to find a song about a happy, functional couple because of the US divorce rate.  In this day and age many couples marry, but many get divorced.  There are many things that couples fight about, but there three issues that are more commonly fought about than others.  Couples fight about money, sex, and kids more than anything else.  With that said, my advice to you is to talk about these things before you tie the knot with your significant other.  If you are already married and this is something that has recently come up take a step back, and talk to your spouse.

Before you walk down the aisle, sit down with your fiancé and talk about your finances.  Talk about your spending habits, and your ideas about money.  Talk about your finances.  If you took out loans for college and are still working on paying them off let your fiancé know.  If you took out a loan for a car let your fiancé know.  Consider working out a budget as the wedding gets closer.  If you find that you have completely different ideas talk about how you’re going to manage despite your differences. Talk to a friend, or someone you trust who can help you find a solution about your issues regarding money.  Read a book, or attend a conference about money management, or stewardship.  I definitely recommend premarital counseling, and I hope that this is something that will be discussed.  If you are already married, find someone to talk to whether it be a friend, family member, pastor, or counselor.

You should also talk about sex.  When you talk about sex discuss your past relationships and how intimate you were.  As painful as it may be, know that is necessary to tell your fiancé or spouse if you are a survivor of sexual abuse.  Your relationship should be a safe place to discuss past hurts. If you find yourself regressing because of your discussion about past sexual abuse I recommend that you seek out the help of a counselor.  If you do not feel comfortable discussing past abuse, or if you find that you your loved one does not respond appropriately than you will need to decide if you are comfortable continuing on in the relationship. You may need to talk about this in marriage or premarital counseling.

The last things that needs talked about is children. If you don’t have kids talk about it, and decide if you want to have children. Talk about your ideas regarding child rearing, and decide how you will raise your future children. If you are woman reading this and you can’t have children talk to your fiancé or husband about adoption or fostering. Is he open to adoption? Why or why not? If you already have children, and find yourself disagreeing about how to raise them take some time to discuss this when the children not present. Your children do not need to be present for a conversation about how to raise them. By the time we get engaged, or married we already have ideas the raising of children, and we have learned from our past. Our parents, and teachers teach us how to raise children, and this should factor into your conversation about children, and child rearing. If you need advice seek out the advice of a friend, family member, someone else that you trust. Attend a class on child development or child birth. Volunteer to babysit a niece, nephew or young cousin, or volunteer to do childcare at your church nursery. If you want children take time to learn before you have them. Again, this should be something that is discussed in martial or premarital counseling.

Every couple will have different ideas about these issues because each person has come from a different place, but hopefully you will be able to find a middle ground. I hope that you grow and learn from each other as you talk. It is normal to disagree from time to time, but it is important to compromise. Living and being in a relationship is hard, but it beats the alternative of being alone.

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